That moment you realize just how much of your life was lived for others and how much was really who you are.... yep my plane has landed and i have officially gotten off and walked through the terminal to the luggage zone, grabbed my stuff, stepped outside, and I'm here. I'm in a world where the influence of others does not exist. It's interesting. I feel like the world is turning around me and i have stopped moving. I am seeing for the first time life and people and I am at a place where i have to decide where i am going to go from here. I am not stuck at the airport, i have actually found myself an UBER (that seems safer than a taxi)...now my only problem is to figure out where that is suppose to take me...
I know how this sounds to most...i can hear all your different voices..."oh she is 'finding' herself", "she is pondering life and having a pre-life crisis"..."she is intellectualizing everything and it's so silly"... months ago i would have never even posted this because even the thought of peoples opinions of me and figuring out life would have worried me so greatly and affected me so much that I would have stayed seated where I was at and just kept on being what I have been taught to be. But somehow, someway, i woke up one morning and i did not care. To put it frankly...i just did not give a damn.
I became aware of the reality that my life was a movement that was ordered by others and carried out by myself. It's not necessarily been a lie or not a good thing... It has just been heavily influenced. I am looking around at a culture and I am seeing so many different breeds of people. For example, i am a Christian, and i was raised in a Southern Baptist church my whole life. I was raised in a very very conservative household. I went to Christian school 6 years of my life. And the only people i was allowed to hang out with or spend large amounts of time with growing up were people with similar views and beliefs.
Please hear me when i say that i don't think the way i was raised was wrong. My parents did a great job at a very difficult task. They sacrificed a lot so that I could be raised in a safe environment with the least amount of temptations that might one day turn into addictions of control and disaster. They loved Jesus and showed us an authentic Faith.
In saying all that, I want it to be clear that i am thankful for my childhood and life. It was FAR from perfect but it was full of blessing and lessons that cultivated in me a person that loves others and cares and wants to give and do. However, now i have reached a place of disruption so to say.
As children, it is our parents responsibility to raise us and lead us in the way they feel is best. It is apart of our American freedom and for that i am thankful. That doesn't mean, however, that the day does not come where we as children grow up and become adults. It's a that moment in which we arrive at a place of decision. Do we believe the exact things our parents embedded in us, Or do some or all of those things change? For me, i am at that place...I am at a place where it is not okay with me to hold to an opinion, view, or faith because it's what i was taught. If i am going to live life and make choices, those choices have to be because i BELIEVE in them. Because they are true to me in my life.
This place I am at has raised a LOT of questions for me. It's aroused places in my mind that hold thoughts and ideas that I never knew existed for me. It's actually quiet a conflicting place to be. What you believe affects every choice you make. It affects the BIG moments and the little ones in life. To use the word important is an understatement in describing the power behind your beliefs.
I don't feel the need to elaborate on the areas of conflict and debate in my body, mind, heart, and soul right now...maybe one day...but not today, but i do think it is important to put out there the honesty of my life and where i am at. I am tired of sugar coated people living their sugar coated lives (when in reality we know everyone is fighting a war of some sorts within themselves). I am also tired of living a life where a lot of my decisions are made based on the attention and admiration i get from others.
While on this journey i have seen things through a different set of lenses...maybe that's just it...i am actually SEEING things for first time because i finally put on some lenses to correct my blurred vision.
For example, I have realized that throughout my growing years I watched the people around me in my life excel in so many areas. Sports, academics, music, dance... though i tried my hand at many things I did not hold talent for any of them. I did not stand out...I did learn at an early age that i was really good at loving Jesus and being good. I was really good at understanding spiritual things and being mature in ways beyond my years. This was not bad in itself and i believe a lot of was genuine...however looking back and even up until just recently, I have seen how I was a kid that desired more than anything to be good at something and to succeed. To have the attention of others because i was talented...and THAT became my talent. Following the rules and going and doing things that most adults were not willing to do with their faith and beliefs. Since putting my hypothetical lenses on, i realize that i don't want to continue down that path. I want to go and do and make choices because what i believe is real in my life and because it's a choice i made...not my parents or family or friends. I don't want to live a life restricted by the opinions of others. And i don't want to push people out because they are not like me or see things the same as me...heck...right now i dont even know what i see.
The truth is letting people down is a requirement in life. It's something that must be done in order to live. It's necessary...people do not last forever and we can not solely depend on the support of others. The problem is, i have been so afraid of letting people down...i have been so afraid of failing at the one thing i was so good at,pleasing the people close to me, that i stopped seeking... i stopped learning...i stopped trying to understand who i was and what i am capable of because i limited myself to the mold those around me wanted me to fit in.
I can honestly say, this is the first time i can ever remember where i am thinking for myself. I am looking at life and the things that it consists of and making a personal decision on what i want and what's right. I haven't gotten very far yet and I am not sure of a lot of things...but what i do know is when my UBER ride gets me to my destination...i will know it is because i chose to go there and SOMEONE did not choose it for me....
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