TBT---->College Bound Beauties #dgroup

 TO some of the best memories i have had in my life...

I can not believe that these ladies are in college now. Over the past 6 years, the dgroup and refined and molded into some of the most amazing, young, godly girls i know.

Dont get me wrong...i had my doubts at times...

But they pulled through. I think the greatest blessing was to be able to lead them 6th-12th grade, and a handful of them were there all 6 years of that.

Fall Retreats, Beach Camps, Impact weekends, cookouts, pool parties, wonderful food, crazy stories, tears shed, voices raised, laughter, hugs, smacks, counseling sessions....

 Every girl that has come through the d-group has blessed me or grown me in some way shape and form.

These girls walked with me through the darkest valleys my life has seen...they have been as much a support and testimony to me as i have them...maybe even more.







Sure...they annoyed the HECK out of me at times...and even made me mad as fire...

But the times of fun, joy, laughter, growth and comfort far outweigh any stresses over those years.

NO...they did not listen all the time

NO...they did not take our word for it sometime

NO... they did not cease to dwell in drama (they are girls ya know)

NO...they did not always respect us

 YES...they learned to trust

YES...they learned to talk to God

YES...they learned about GRACE

YES...they learned to share their Faith

YES...they learned to talk things out

YES...they learned to make wise choices

One of the greatest JOYS was to go on a mission trip with these girls to NYC. Something i hoped and prayed to do with them from the moment i committed to leading them.

If i had a dollar for every time we argued...i'd be rich

Mookie-Moo

Solo cups in 7th grade...TURNT UP!! no alcohol i promise

Delicious d-group dinners

One of the many dances they went to

And the solo cups are back!!

They are going to kill me for these...i believe 6th grade...maybe 7th

And then there was this girl...I am so thankful that the Lord brought Kayla into our group after the first year. Two are truly better than one and i know i could not have led them fully by myself. Kayla and i are like oil and water but it worked for us.

Let the fun times ROLL...Man i want some bread...

SO.... I am rounding third base with day 4 and will start again tomorrow with Day 5 of the Advocare 24 Day Challenge and let me tell ya... I sure am learning a lot. Since this is a monumental moment for me in the history of soon to be 24 years of life, i figured i would blog a little about it. I mean this is the first time i have really ever strived towards something like i am with this.

First things first. My purpose in doing this is because i want to be HEALTHY. I am soooo NOT healthy right now. In fact i am the most unhealthy i have ever been. I would love to shed a few pounds as i am also the heaviest i have ever been, however that is not my goal. My goal is to develop habits of clean eating and focus on making my body the best it can be so that i can enjoy life and fulfill the purpose i have here.

 Okay...REWIND...

to when i was going into my high school years. I was extremely obsessive about my weight. Like most young pre-teen and teenage girls, i had a diseased idea of what I saw when i looked in the mirror. I was never small enough or pretty enough. Though it was a huge struggle and life-controlling time in my life then, now i can not help but look back and somewhat laugh at the altered way i saw things.

Having control over my weight then became my identity. I would only take in 250 to 500 calories max a day and if i felt like i had over done it i would make myself throw up. I can remember my diet consisting of a spoon of peanut butter in the morning possibly another spoon that afternoon and then a McDonalds Parfait for dinner. I was all of a size 0-2 through my years of high school with no curve or shape. I was still never happy.

I really do not know a 100% what changed my way of thinking. I know that in 11th grade I made  decision to start eating more than one meal a day because my body and emotions were at their final straw and i know i was so tired of not being happy. Through lots of prayer and growth I gradually began to give up my lack of control on food.

Fast Forward....

SO without being rediculous and straight telling the world how much i weigh, lets just say if we were talking in years i would be about 5 decades older now! CRAZY i know! I can say that there are some days when i hate my body and catch myself thinking back to the highschool days and wishing i were that size again, however most of the time I am more logical. I honestly do not want to be a size 0 or 2 again. I do not really feel like that is a natural size for my body. I just want to be healthy. I want to have energy and strength. I want to be able to be active without limitations. I want to eat things that actually have positive benefits in my body. I just want to LIVE.

I must be honest... my decision to do Advocare was slightly impulsive. I agreed to buy and order before i had any idea how the program was set up. After i started researching it , i slightly panicked thinking -"There is no way in YOU KNOW WHERE that i can do this!!" It takes self-discipline and self-control...two things i lack so much of. But it's funny how much money can motivate you...Paying $180 for something gave me some incentive to figure out a plan and stick to it. I am currently ending day 4 and will be starting day 5 tomorrow. It's been REAL and it's been FUN but it sure has not been REAL FUN.

My body decided yesterday that it was going to throw a hissy-fit. I had a migraine like none either that even a dark room could not cure. I was soooo tired and my body ached from the 9 rounds workout i did the day before. But even through all that, i still felt a sense of GOODNESS. Maybe it is just in my head. Maybe it is just the fact that i know what i am putting in my body now is good and whole so i will have to reap positive benefits when it is all said and done. I can say i truly am waiting for results...but i also find myself learning so much about food and my thoughts on it through this.

I always saw food as pleasure. I ate what i wanted because i could. I at what i wanted because i like the taste. I have never eaten based on what God created for my body to thrive and be healthy and whole. I have never thought of food as an act of worship until now. If God has chosen to give me life and he has chosen to give me a most-of-the-time functioning body then what i am i doing to use that? Why would i not see it as a gift that i should cherish and take care of? I just recently got a new car and boy do i love it. I want to keep it perfect. I do not want dirt in it or food or anything. I drive it slow and carefully. I want to keep it as new for as long as possible. How is that any different than the way i should treat my body? Should i not want to put the best gas in my body and not fill it with dirt and crap, and change the oil regularly, and wash it and keep it fresh? I believe i should and unfortunately for the longest time i have not.  It's like the country song "She let herself gooooooooooooo..." <--(me singing it)....i  have definitely let myself go.

Don't get me wrong. I have not achieved anything yet. I would say that if anything my eyes have just been opened to recognize a goal and purpose and now i must do what i need to do to get there. With all that being said...a little about how i am doing with the challenge...

I started Friday, August8th. I have not had any sugars other than natural sugars in fruits, no caffeine other than what is in the spark mix it provides and only one of those a day, i have not had anything processed or fried, no creamy dressings or sauces, and no dairy. I would say i am doing pretty good with it. I have learned that over the past (soon to be) 24 years, i had NO IDEA what different foods truly tasted like, because i have been coating them with so much sauce and dressings.

 I learned that salad does indeed taste like grass to me. Fiber is like drinking Sand, it takes 8 oz of water to swallow a horse pill supplement, if there is no pain in exercising then you probably are not doing it right, just because everyone else in the room is eating my favorite cake- i can say no, i do have will-power and self- discipline is something that can be learned. Those are just a few among the many things i have gotten over the past few days...I am seeing progress weight wise but i do not want to share that right now. Mainly because the progress i want to see is not in numbers dropping but rather a lifestyle change. so when day 24 comes and i can say that i have continued the course and stood firm...then i will release progress in numbers...until then it is  a day to day battle...

woMAN vs Food (i love that show) :-)

The Day i Grew up...*Warning: LOTS OF PICTURES*

Five years ago today marks the day I would say I officially GREW UP. I think everyone could probably target a moment in their life when they were forced to open their eyes, face the reality before them, and recognize the facts... LIFE is far different than late night runs to sonic, sneaking out of the house with friends, and the greatest catastrophe in life being the punk that broke your heart into a billion pieces.

That life changing moment for me was 5 years ago. Some of you know this part of my life because you have heard me talk about it. Some of you know because you walked through it with me. But for those of you who don't.. i will share.

First let me start by posting a picture!

These were the days when we had nothing better to do but to put on our bathing suits, fill up the bath tub with rubber ducks and bubbles, and make a swimming safety/scuba-steve/Scuba-Wynona video which resulted in a whole lot of ridiculousness and a flooded bathroom. No we were not 5...more like 15!

And then there were those nights where we would get so bored we would do each others make up and dress each other up and take the most ridiculously fabulous pictures!

We can't leave out the family beach trips filled with cars almost getting hijacked, para-sailing till we were sick, running from sketchy drunk boys that wanted to take us home with them, paying $30 each to get an all day pass to an inflatable water slide that only 5 year olds were playing on, and extremely long drives home on back roads where Bethany starts to lose her mind and act a fool!

(Movie Dates)

Life was different then for me. It was what i considered stressful and painful but looking back now, in some of the most childish ways. I went through things that all kids and teenagers go through, but I still had my youth as some would say. I had fun, i laughed, i was impulsive and unpredictable. I had a faith that was unstoppable. I mean really, i knew what i believed and nothing or no one could take that from me. LIFE WAS GOOD!

College Fun/Trouble

Now, fast forward to today. August 9th, 2014 and ask me my opinion on LIFE. I can assure you it has changed in a lot of ways. My first opinion on Life if you ask me is that it is UNPREDICTABLE. You never know when there may not be a tomorrow for yourself or the ones you care for. I never know if the  argument i get in with my parents is going to be the last, or when the last text i ever get from brothers is going to come. (I HOPE IT NEVER DOES) but unfortunately i know that is not realistic.

I would also tell you that LIFE is precious. As a believer in Christ i have learned (even though i do not always act on it) that when God gives you a door of opportunity to share His Grace and Love with someone, you should never question it but just do it. Tomorrow is not promised. I would tell you that Life is tough. Life is a battle daily to find peace and joy in a world that is falling apart.

Beach Camp 2006

Don't get me wrong. I am so thankful that God has chosen to give me LIFE! I am so thankful everyday when i can wake up and do life again. Life is a blessing and I enjoy being a part of it. But over the years, I have experienced pain and struggles and i have realized that without the Hope of Christ, I personally would not have anything to live for.  I am thankful that i truly believe the purpose of my Life is to live with the HOPE of Christ. Yes i screw up and i am the farthest thing from perfect, but in my pain and guilt i am always brought back and reminded of the Joy in God's grace and love.

Sweet 16!!!!

With all that being said, five years ago today i lost one of the closest people to me. I lost my very best friend. I had never experienced unexpected close death before like i did that day and i can honestly say it rocked my life. It shook the foundations of  my FAITH and JOY that i had built my life on. I would be lying if i said  it did not make me doubt, in moments, God's love for me and others close to her. I would be lying if i did not say that the moment i got the call I vaguely remember sitting in the floor screaming at God as i ripped out the pages in my bible, that just days before i had highlighted.

 Erica's death was a huge game-changer for me. It awakened me to pain that i had never felt nor imagined someone could feel and keep living. A pain that was internal. A pain that i felt others could not get or understand. (although now i know that is not true) I found myself at a place where i would lay awake at night and look at my phone, waiting to get a call about someone close to me dying, waiting for the next thing to come crumbling down on me. I experienced the pain that when any life changing or dramatic thing would happen to me, i would pick up my phone and go to text Erica and remember that she was not on the other end anymore.

LONG College Nights

The LAKE

June 2009

August 9th, 2009 is the day that i grew up. 5 years later and where am i at with it all? Well, i can say that to this day, Erica's death has been the most painful and hardest death for me to deal with. I can say that i am a silent griever. I have learned things about myself over the years that I never knew before. I learned don't like attention from tragedy and fight myself a lot with when its actually okay to express certain things in my life and heart and when i just need to keep it to myself. I can say i see life more realistically now, and sometimes that causes me to be super negative. This is something i am not happy with and know i need work on. I can say that i have learned that grieving death never gets easier per-say, but it does change form over time.

I still grieve today. In fact i grieve quiet often still. For example, i grieved when I started dating my husband and could not talk to Erica about it. I grieved when he proposed and I was not able to call her. I grieved when i graduated college and she was not there, i grieve when i have to pack a bag for a trip and she is not there to help (anyone who knows me knows i HATE packing). I grieved when I bought a house and thought about her never being apart of that. I grieved when i walked down the aisle and I knew that her spot would be empty, and i grieve today thinking back on those dress up nights, beach trips, school dances, broken hearts, sneaking out of the house, and so many other memories that I hold tight to but know that the majority of others will never know that relationship in my life.

Though i still grieve...it has changed its form. I use to grieve in anger and frustration. Now i grieve in Hope and Joy. I still hurt but i can thank the Lord for the fact that I KNOW one day i will see Erica again. I hurt selfishly because to me that was a relationship in my life that ended before i had a say in it, but i rejoice in the fact that Erica is in the best place anyone could ever be. She is in eternity with her Heavenly Father awaiting for the day we all meet again.

My hairdresser

That season in my life is a season of death and resurrection. I can honestly say that I made an intimate connection with the verse in Phil.3 that says:

 "¹⁰ I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, ¹¹ and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead."

Senior Prom 2008

My Conclusion on Life is this:

Life is not good but my God is. Life is not fair but my God is. Life is painful but my God is healing. Life is broken but my God is restoration. Life is short but my God is eternal. Life is a battle but my God is Victory. I could go on and on and on but this is already so long half of you probably stopped reading. I have not blogged in a while but i have a lot on my mind. If you read this and you do not know me that well, you just got a little glimpse of a deep part of my life and heart...  


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I am so blessed to have the relationship with Erica's parents that i do. That will always have a special place in my life and will always be a little piece of Erica that i still have here on earth!