The Day i Grew up...*Warning: LOTS OF PICTURES*

Five years ago today marks the day I would say I officially GREW UP. I think everyone could probably target a moment in their life when they were forced to open their eyes, face the reality before them, and recognize the facts... LIFE is far different than late night runs to sonic, sneaking out of the house with friends, and the greatest catastrophe in life being the punk that broke your heart into a billion pieces.

That life changing moment for me was 5 years ago. Some of you know this part of my life because you have heard me talk about it. Some of you know because you walked through it with me. But for those of you who don't.. i will share.

First let me start by posting a picture!

These were the days when we had nothing better to do but to put on our bathing suits, fill up the bath tub with rubber ducks and bubbles, and make a swimming safety/scuba-steve/Scuba-Wynona video which resulted in a whole lot of ridiculousness and a flooded bathroom. No we were not 5...more like 15!

And then there were those nights where we would get so bored we would do each others make up and dress each other up and take the most ridiculously fabulous pictures!

We can't leave out the family beach trips filled with cars almost getting hijacked, para-sailing till we were sick, running from sketchy drunk boys that wanted to take us home with them, paying $30 each to get an all day pass to an inflatable water slide that only 5 year olds were playing on, and extremely long drives home on back roads where Bethany starts to lose her mind and act a fool!

(Movie Dates)

Life was different then for me. It was what i considered stressful and painful but looking back now, in some of the most childish ways. I went through things that all kids and teenagers go through, but I still had my youth as some would say. I had fun, i laughed, i was impulsive and unpredictable. I had a faith that was unstoppable. I mean really, i knew what i believed and nothing or no one could take that from me. LIFE WAS GOOD!

College Fun/Trouble

Now, fast forward to today. August 9th, 2014 and ask me my opinion on LIFE. I can assure you it has changed in a lot of ways. My first opinion on Life if you ask me is that it is UNPREDICTABLE. You never know when there may not be a tomorrow for yourself or the ones you care for. I never know if the  argument i get in with my parents is going to be the last, or when the last text i ever get from brothers is going to come. (I HOPE IT NEVER DOES) but unfortunately i know that is not realistic.

I would also tell you that LIFE is precious. As a believer in Christ i have learned (even though i do not always act on it) that when God gives you a door of opportunity to share His Grace and Love with someone, you should never question it but just do it. Tomorrow is not promised. I would tell you that Life is tough. Life is a battle daily to find peace and joy in a world that is falling apart.

Beach Camp 2006

Don't get me wrong. I am so thankful that God has chosen to give me LIFE! I am so thankful everyday when i can wake up and do life again. Life is a blessing and I enjoy being a part of it. But over the years, I have experienced pain and struggles and i have realized that without the Hope of Christ, I personally would not have anything to live for.  I am thankful that i truly believe the purpose of my Life is to live with the HOPE of Christ. Yes i screw up and i am the farthest thing from perfect, but in my pain and guilt i am always brought back and reminded of the Joy in God's grace and love.

Sweet 16!!!!

With all that being said, five years ago today i lost one of the closest people to me. I lost my very best friend. I had never experienced unexpected close death before like i did that day and i can honestly say it rocked my life. It shook the foundations of  my FAITH and JOY that i had built my life on. I would be lying if i said  it did not make me doubt, in moments, God's love for me and others close to her. I would be lying if i did not say that the moment i got the call I vaguely remember sitting in the floor screaming at God as i ripped out the pages in my bible, that just days before i had highlighted.

 Erica's death was a huge game-changer for me. It awakened me to pain that i had never felt nor imagined someone could feel and keep living. A pain that was internal. A pain that i felt others could not get or understand. (although now i know that is not true) I found myself at a place where i would lay awake at night and look at my phone, waiting to get a call about someone close to me dying, waiting for the next thing to come crumbling down on me. I experienced the pain that when any life changing or dramatic thing would happen to me, i would pick up my phone and go to text Erica and remember that she was not on the other end anymore.

LONG College Nights

The LAKE

June 2009

August 9th, 2009 is the day that i grew up. 5 years later and where am i at with it all? Well, i can say that to this day, Erica's death has been the most painful and hardest death for me to deal with. I can say that i am a silent griever. I have learned things about myself over the years that I never knew before. I learned don't like attention from tragedy and fight myself a lot with when its actually okay to express certain things in my life and heart and when i just need to keep it to myself. I can say i see life more realistically now, and sometimes that causes me to be super negative. This is something i am not happy with and know i need work on. I can say that i have learned that grieving death never gets easier per-say, but it does change form over time.

I still grieve today. In fact i grieve quiet often still. For example, i grieved when I started dating my husband and could not talk to Erica about it. I grieved when he proposed and I was not able to call her. I grieved when i graduated college and she was not there, i grieve when i have to pack a bag for a trip and she is not there to help (anyone who knows me knows i HATE packing). I grieved when I bought a house and thought about her never being apart of that. I grieved when i walked down the aisle and I knew that her spot would be empty, and i grieve today thinking back on those dress up nights, beach trips, school dances, broken hearts, sneaking out of the house, and so many other memories that I hold tight to but know that the majority of others will never know that relationship in my life.

Though i still grieve...it has changed its form. I use to grieve in anger and frustration. Now i grieve in Hope and Joy. I still hurt but i can thank the Lord for the fact that I KNOW one day i will see Erica again. I hurt selfishly because to me that was a relationship in my life that ended before i had a say in it, but i rejoice in the fact that Erica is in the best place anyone could ever be. She is in eternity with her Heavenly Father awaiting for the day we all meet again.

My hairdresser

That season in my life is a season of death and resurrection. I can honestly say that I made an intimate connection with the verse in Phil.3 that says:

 "¹⁰ I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, ¹¹ and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead."

Senior Prom 2008

My Conclusion on Life is this:

Life is not good but my God is. Life is not fair but my God is. Life is painful but my God is healing. Life is broken but my God is restoration. Life is short but my God is eternal. Life is a battle but my God is Victory. I could go on and on and on but this is already so long half of you probably stopped reading. I have not blogged in a while but i have a lot on my mind. If you read this and you do not know me that well, you just got a little glimpse of a deep part of my life and heart...  


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I am so blessed to have the relationship with Erica's parents that i do. That will always have a special place in my life and will always be a little piece of Erica that i still have here on earth!