Come Close and See for Yourself....

If you follow me on facebook or know me well, you know that I just recently got back from a 12 day trip to NYC. I left with a group on July 1st and came back on July 12th. I have been to NY 7 or 8 times but this was by far the longest i have ever stayed. Back in 2007 i made my first trip to work with an organization called NYSUM (New York School of Urban Ministry) , and it was there that it was clear tome that I was going to major in Social Work when i reached college. The ministry works with teaching, equipping, and sending people out to be the hands and feet of Christ to the inner city hurting people all over NYC. They work with many other ministries providing an array of services. Anything from Homeless ministry, to street and subway evangelism, drug and detox center ministry, childrens' ministry, and even the ministry or maintaining and improving the facility they have in order to house and train up short term missionaries in the service. I strongly urge anyone who has never heard of this ministry to look into it and even more check it out in person and plan a short term trip. I promise you will not be disappointed...

This post is not about the ministry i did (even though I could write for days about how personal and life changing it was). This post is about how God totally took a hold of my being and shook me into the awareness of just how good, freeing, and active His presence is. I want to back track a bit to where i was before the trip. Actually, I would like to back track to where I have been over the past couple of years...i feel i must for you to even semi-understand the change and awakening that took place.

Compared to some people, i have been truly blessed in the life i have lived thus far. Raised by Christian parents who, like everyone else, made some mistakes, but NEVER strayed away from teaching there 3 children (me and my two brothers) that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is true and good. In fact one of the many lessons i was taught at a very young age was that my family was FILTHY rich....well maybe not by the worlds standards. As a kid I tended to be pretty nosey (hard to believe i know) and i was constantly trying to listen in to my parents whispering convos. Not understanding a lot then i would hear them talk about finances and struggles and in my head i automatically KNEW that that meant we were poor, broke, and going to end up without anything. I asked my mom regularly if we were poor and would we be able to make it (this question is coming from a 5 year old remember) and my mom ALWAYS responded back without any hesitation or thought, " Bethany, we will never be poor. We are as rich as we could ever be on this earth and you know why i can i can say that with confidence? Because we have Jesus in our heart, and as long as you have Jesus you have everything you will ever need." That was just one of the many blessings i had growing up. I was blessed with a roof over my head, a vehicle to drive when i was 16, the ability to go on vacations and shopping trips, i had a job that was with all my friends...overall i lived a typical "american teenager" life.

The majority of my battles were inward in the first part of my life. I struggled with my identity and finding acceptance in Christ. I hated what i saw in the mirror (as most pre-teen and teenage girls do), i struggled with eating disorders and overall brokenness. I struggled with trusting others in my life and asking for life. (still nothing too life altaring) I walked the aisle of my church and met Jesus at the age of 8 but it was not until i was 15 that i truly experience what it meant to hand my whole life over to the authority and leading of Christ. I told the Lord then that I was His. I wanted to be used for His purpose. I would go where He wanted and share His love always. I wanted to be used by Him. I got involved at missions with my church and felt the blessing of what being apart of that was in ones life. Through highschool i grew in my faith. Of course i made some mistakes ( i was a stupid teenageer rememebr) but overall i continued to pursue the Lord daily. Soon enough, it was time for college. I attended a small private college in my hometown that had a great Social Work program and I began my first summer after college working at an awesome Christian camp. That was one of the most growing periods of my life. I have never felt more in the will of GOd than when i was serving there. Even if it was taking out the trash and cleaning the facilities...i knew it was where God wanted me. I was growing and being poured into daily. Life was good and God was good.

After my first summer serving at camp and my first year of college my world shook at the news of the unexpected death of my best friend.That moment the realities of this world, life and death, pain and sorrow, disconnect from the Lord, all hit me at once. My very bright and happy world turned gloomy and dim. I did not lose hope in faith but clung to the Grace of GOd and it was only through the promise of resurrection and life that I have in Christ, that enables me to deal with that earthly and temporary loss. It was also that loss that woke me up to realize, we have NO CLUE what tomorrow holds and what are we really doing because of that? From that point on i became more aware of pain around me. Stress made it self known in ways i had never experienced before. I can say that after that my relationship with Christ became so much more real to me also.

As anyone knows, just because your world has stopped turning in the midst of pain, the days continue to tarry and life must go on. As the years passed i learned how to deal with grief and still live life with an aspect of Joy, though it was not always easy. What i did not know was that its not a ONE TOUGH LIFE moment world we live in. Everyone is not dealt one card of personal turmoil and then the rest is a free journey full of wins. Every season has a storm and it was not long until i reached another one. I found myself at a place lower and darker than i felt i had ever been in before. I had trusted so much that i allowed myself to be broken by and overrun. I had become so sure about where i was and the picture of what was in front of me that I gave up all control of making my own decisions. I trusted in ways i had never trusted and i was blinded in ways i never imagined possible. It was in a relationship of deception, pain, and lies that i found myself bitter, angry, and broken. Shut off from the world around me and shut off from the goodness of God. As i finally began to recognize the realities of the danger zone i was in and began to flee, i met my husband. What a blessing he was and is to me. Anyone that knows us will come in agreement as to how unimaginable us two together was. I can honestly say it was truly a God placement and working. We are polar opposites and were at totally different places in life.

I don't want to digress as i could go from here and write 1,000s of pages on how awesome my husband is (and how he drives me a little loco at times too ) but i want to stay on track. Josh came into my life at the darkest moment i had ever experience. I think we both thought that he was going to be the person that flipped the switch for me. It was like I was living in this huge old mansion full of secret hallways, stairways, and rooms for days, but the power had been disconnected and it was so dark. The only thing you could see were the eyes of all the creepy crawlers living in the darkness i was in. It was clear that he was the new owner that was coming to restore the power and clean out the cob webs and munsters that had inhabited that place and make it  a sweet home for us to live. Unfortunately that was the farthest thing from reality and not even possible. The restoration that needed to be done was impossible for human hands to handle.

We have been married now for a approaching 1 year and a half and i would be lying if I said it has been an easy year. It  has been the farthest from that. Though to the outside world who knows me would say i am a happy, crazy, cheerful, full of faith person, that was not the case on the inside. I have been broken for so long. The cry on the inside of my heart has been one of anger and distrust. I literally had a convo with my husband one day explaining to him that i loved him more than life but that i dont think i would ever be able to truly trust him or any other human and there love for me. I was at a place where i was un-willing to allow any human being into the tiny crevices of my heart. I would be honest with you but absolutely not show you my weakness. I did not talk or share my heart with him, i cringed when he wanted to pray together and i excused myself by saying i felt it was necessary to continue to grow individually in our faiths even though we were still married. My world was dark. Everything i looked at had a blackness around it. It had a shadow of pain. I was still pursuing God and growing and because of that it became clear to me that I was willing to give the Lord pieces of me but i had taken back a huge part of myself. I refused to trust whole-heartedly in anyone or anything.

About a year ago, the Lord began to start to chisel away at the brokenness in my life. He began to show me healing one area at a time. Keep in mind, i was still holding on to so much hurt i was willing to relinquish so this was not going to be a quick fix. One thing after another began to happen in my heart that allowed me to want to turn the lights on. Things transpired that showed me the sweetness of God but i still could not let him to everything. As the months went by , that heart of ministry and missions that the Lord lit a flame for 10 years ago began to re-ignite. It was just a small glisten at the moment. Barely able to be seen, however it brought some light to the darkness of the empty mansion my heart was residing in. It did however give me a small desire to begin pursuing reaching out to others and sharing the Hope i have. Some months ago i was asked about going on a 12 days mission trip to Mongolia. My health was good and my heart was seeking the Lord and it took me an hour to say ABSOLUTELY....

Long story short...that was what the Lord wanted from me. His plan was never to send me to Mongolia, his plan was to give me something big enough that i would be willing to beg for the days off during our busy time and commit to GOING. It's funny how the Lord works because like i said, i did not end up in Mongolia, but i ended up in NYC instead. On a missions trip that i had taken 7 times before. For 12 days at that ( a really long time for a small-town southern girl to be in the BIG APPLE). This is where i could start to talk about every encounter i experienced with the Lord on that trip (and let me tell you there were a lot) but I would rather tell you about the beautifully-messy change the God of this Universe did in my life. It did not have anything to do with the city of NY or even the ministry necessarily. It had to do with the fact that for 12 days He had me away from every distraction and comfortability that surrounded me at home. He had me away from the reminders i faced everyday of the bondage and pain i had once experienced. HE had me in the hands of His.

It was over the passing of 12 days in NYC that I can say that the chains of bondage and slavery that entangled my heart and soul were broken. It was over those twelve days that I was forced to come face to face with his Spirit and the power that lies with in it. It was those 12 days that i had no option but to relinquish the condemned dark mansion i was living in. I could no longer defend the darkness. And instead of the power being in turned on...the Lord pulled me out of the basement whole i was in and brought me into the beautiful sunlight of his presence. He reminded me of how good He is and how strong He is . He reminded me that when he placed a call upon my life 10 years ago i signed the papers over to him and those papers stated that i could NEVER be bought back or re-sold. It was a permanent transaction. He showed me that there IS POWER IN THE NAME OF JESUS and that HE DOES BREAK EVERY CHAIN and that those CHAINS DO FALL OFF in the presence of the KING. I know that reading this its your typical God experience blog. It is your typical heavenly high of coming back from being on a mission trip. And you know honestly i struggle with those same thoughts and feelings. However, i can put my life upon the truth that what i experienced in NY was something that only someone who has been chained up, alone, scared, and angry could experience. The bondage of my soul flowed into everything i touched around me. It created a misery in and of itself. And the FREEDOM i experienced in truly waking up to a world of hope, joy, and promise is something that only my God can provide and do. I have struggled with how i share my heart of the trip and what God has done. When i came home the first thing i did was break down to my husband and share the amazing freedom Christ had poured upon me as well as ask for forgiveness for the ways i had treated him over the years. For stifling his spirit of joy because i could not find my own.

I am on day 5 of being home and i know deep down my husband is waiting to wake up and have his misreable angry hateful wife back. To be honest i wake up in immediate prayer that the Lord will protect from that and lead me and guide me to His heart. The Spirit is more than alive in my life and it is a GREAT thing. I can't stand to go hours without talking to the Lord. Without praising and thanking him. I cant turn on worship music with out shouting out in praise. I look forward more than anything to the time at the end of the night of praying and reading the Word of God with my husband. God has truly made a change in my heart and soul and he has led me out of that condemned mansion of brokenness i was living in and bulldozed it. He has brought me out into his presence of Sunlight and pastures of goodness and instead of being constrained, He is placing a desire to GO, to be free in His Spirit, to reach a lost and dying world and witness the bondage of others be broken. GOD IS SOOO GOOD....

It's funny because i am sitting at starbucks right now typing this. I came with the intentions to read a maybe blog a bit but i really wanted to spend time with my Father because it pains my heart to think about people thinking this is not a genuine change and re-birth in my life. That this is just a temporary high that will fade. I need reassurance from my God that this is REAL...the is His calling and leading and changing upon my life. I opened my Bible and read a Psalm and then decided to pick up my reading in Acts 4. This is what the Lord said ...

" Now when they saw the boldness of Peter and John, and perceived that they were uneducated men, they were astonished. And they recognized that they had been with Jesus."-Acts 4:13

You can believe in coincidence all you want but i know that the Spirit of the Lord speaks and that is His word. Come close to me and you too will see I have been with Jesus. Am i perfect... NOOOOOO the farthest thing from it...Am i REDEEMED and set free...ABSOLUTELY!


...:Disclaimer:...

If you have made it to this point i apologize for the grammatical errors.  I always proofread later :-)