I AM CAPABLE...

Homelessnes...hungry...cold...alone...weary...anxious...broken...uneducated...orphaned...

Brazil '09

These are all words that i know the meaning of but for most of them I don't know the actual life . I have not lived and experienced them...

I have never been homeless, a wanderer, not knowing where my head will lay when darkness approaches.

I have never been hungry, truly hungry not having a choice of my next meal or even knowing what it will consist of.

I have never been so cold knowing that it may never end. Knowing that there may never be warmth. Sure i have gone places and forgotten a jacket or not been properly clothed, but nothing without the expectation and knowledge that the moment will come when i am back in the warmth of my car, house, restaurant or wherever it may be.

Alone...now there have been moments where i have felt so alone...where i have felt that my place in the world did not exist and that I was the only one walking through the valley i was walking...however, even that word, i can't say i have truly ever been alone. I have people i know i can call whether they could fully be there for me or not. Literally just a phone call or drive away. Even in my darkest moments...i deep down have always known the feeling of company and others.

Brazil '09- the little boy who captured my <3

Weary...sure i have been tired but only the tired that knows that up ahead i will be able to lay my head down...i will be able to sleep...i will be able to recuperate and begin again refreshed and energized.

Anxious...I know anxiety...I use to deal with it much more than i do now but it's still the protected kind...it's the anxiety that there is enough stability and people in my life that if i was in desperate need there would be some sort of crutch...some sort of way to move through things...I was also raised in a home that taught me through faith there is a hope through our anxiety so even when i am most anxious i am still able to find some peace. I don't know the anxiety of being alone and unprotected...of not being able to meet daily needs or not being able to protect myself or others from the events life throws at us...

Brazil '10

Broken...I think we all experience brokenness...the degree differs from person to person but broken is broken. I have experienced brokenness and i have been hurt and wounded by others...but in my most broken state, I have access to the strength and choice that lies around me. The option to move forward and to be better. The option to fall into the arms of those around me and heal in time. The option to build the brokenness back up with love, security, protection, safety, laughter, and relationships surrounding me.

Uneducated...something i will never know personally. I was in school from 4K to college graduation. I was pushed and encouraged and given option. I excelled in school and was able to cultivate a life and future based on knowledge and ingenuity. (dont get me wrong...i still have my dumb dumb moments :-/ )

Orphaned...I have a family. I have a mom and dad, two brothers, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins...I have family that are not blood but are as close as if they were. I will never truly know what it physically means to be orphaned...because even if i lost my family...there are still people so close around that love me and would be there for me.

Lakeshore, Mississippi- Hurricane Katrina Relief '2006

The truth is...i have been given a WHOLE lot. More than i deserve and some i take for granted. I have lived a life of opportunity that in many ways had nothing to do with myself or my own endeavors. It had nothing to do with my choice to work hard or to make sacrifices for success. It had EVERYTHING to do with the people in my life making those choices for me in the beginning. Giving me a foundation which made it easier for me to choose those qualities for myself when I was of independent age to do so.

Mexico- '08

I look around and i see people in different places than i have ever been in...people holding signs on the side of the road begging...people walking the streets mumbling to themselves...people taking advantage of others just to fuel the demons and addictions in their life that in reality holds them captive in the hell they are in....i see all this around me...and honestly, i have judged, i do judge on occasion. I think about WHY don't you have a job and what did you have before you got yourself into this mess. It's true that their are people just like myself that had all they needed and instead of learning and appreciating and being good stewards, they threw it all away for a bad decision and a life consuming addiction...

Mexico- '08

However there are also people out there that didn't choose for themselves. They don't pick the parents that abandoned them for drugs and instability. They didn't pick the the school system that pushed them through because there was not enough extra to spend on every child that did not have a mom and dad at home to help with their homework and learning. They didn't choose the mental illness and anxiety that they developed at a young age due to the quickly revolving dysfunctional world around them. They didn't choose being hungry at the age of 12 because mom spent the money on alcohol and drugs. They didn't choose the rape and abuse of the continual revolving door of men or women their so called "protector" of a parent brought into their so called home or "safe haven". They didn't choose the death of the their grandparents before they were even through school...the grandparents that gave them the very little they had to help them make a different path for themselves. There are people that didn't choose and they end up reaching the age of choice and decision and because of those in their lives around them...they have no way of knowing how to make them.

(Inner City Charleston, SC)

(Inner City Charleston, SC)

My point in all this and lesson to no one else other than myself is this...I want to do for others more than I do for myself...I don't want to be everybody else that just passes by refusing to look on that which is uneasy for our eyes to take hold of.  I want to help someone fall to sleep at night in whatever environment and place that might be, knowing that someone does care and that they are worth knowing. I want to live knowing that i am NOT above reaching a  low place in life. I am just as CAPABLE of succumbing to a life of addiction...i am just as CAPABLE of pushing everyone in my life out...I AM CAPABLE of losing every blessing i have been given....I am CAPABLE not just of the good and success of life...but of the bad and failures as well.

If people say something of me when my life is over...i would want it to be that i had no fear. That i gave and went where others would not go. That i took time to truly invest and get to know the shadows of the world...the forgotten and alone. That means more to me than other successes and accomplishments...

This has gotten rather lengthy...and to show you the place of heart all this came from...

This is my friend. I know the picture is not clear. I did not want it to be. Yes i know this person. I know his story. I know what life he came from...how long the streets have been his home...i know what size clothes he wears and a few of the locations he feels somewhat safe enough to close his eyes throughout his long days. I know he has anxieties and stresses. I know he has been robbed and abused.  I know he has no family, i know that he has no education. I know he is younger than myself and someone my husband sat beside in his 10th grade class in high school.

 He has never asked us for anything...he has never once asked for money or food or clothes. In fact, in the beginning we  had to really push to get him to take food from us. I know he may not represent the majority of people on the streets in this day and country, but what he represents is a population of people that hesitate to trust...that truly don't understand and know love and relationship. That don't believe that there could ever be a different chapter in the book of life they are living. They don't know the power of choice or decision. They just know the pattern of following in the footsteps of the people that brought them into the world and were suppose to teach and show them the way. The pattern of those that failed them in so many ways... They just know THAT way...and i will fully agree with the saying that you can't teach an old dog NEW tricks...at least not without a lot of time, patience, effort, and failures. (just ask my husband who tried to learn to ride a bike at the age of 23...it's a concept that is not easy to grasp at this place in life.)

My heart breaks for my friend and those alone in the haunting of their past. My heart breaks for those that don't understand we were all created with the ability to make a change...and it may have to be reiterated and taught anew, but i believe that one of the biggest problems we face is people not being willing to be the teacher...to be the new example in a life that did not have one....Just some food for thought....I AM CAPABLE...of anything...what will i do with that?

**(side note/disclaimer: I have seen the many faces of poverty...from those here in my hometown to the ones in third world countries where living takes on a whole different meaning. I have gotten to know people who will tell you they are where they are at because of very poor decisions they made in their life and because their addictions mean more to them than their life and future. I have met innocent children that rummage through trash and drink water out of the cattle watering hole and thing that this is what everyone's life looks like. I have met teenage kids whose parents give them over to prostitution so that they can feed the rest of the kids and buy their alcohol and drugs. I have met elderly who were suddenly laid off of work in a city they can't afford to live in and all their savings went to medical bills and all their family is deceased or worse off than they. I have met the crooks that put on the appearance of poverty just to take advantage of people and government...i am not naive to the state people are in so please don't think i am one of naivety that will only be taken advantage of throughout life if i live a life of giving and sacrifice to others...)

Just and Uber Ride Away...

That moment you realize just how much of your life was lived for others and how much was really who you are.... yep my plane has landed and i have officially gotten off and walked through the terminal to the luggage zone, grabbed my stuff, stepped outside, and I'm here. I'm in a world where the influence of others does not exist. It's interesting. I feel like the world is turning around me and i have stopped moving. I am seeing for the first time life and people and I am at a place where i have to decide where i am going to go from here. I am not stuck at the airport, i have actually found myself an UBER (that seems safer than a taxi)...now my only problem is to figure out where that is suppose to take me...

I know how this sounds to most...i can hear all your different voices..."oh she is 'finding' herself", "she is pondering life and  having a pre-life crisis"..."she is intellectualizing everything and it's so silly"... months ago i would have never even posted this because even the thought of peoples opinions of me and figuring out life would have worried me so greatly and affected me so much that I would have stayed seated where I was at and just kept on being what I have been taught to be. But somehow, someway, i woke up one morning and i did not care. To put it frankly...i just did not give a damn.

I became aware of the reality that my life was a movement that was ordered by others and carried out by myself. It's not necessarily been a lie or not a good thing... It has just been heavily influenced. I am looking around at a culture and I am seeing so many different breeds of people. For example, i am a Christian, and i was raised in a Southern Baptist church my whole life. I was raised in a very very conservative household. I went to Christian school 6 years of my life. And the only people i was allowed to hang out with or spend large amounts of time with growing up were people with similar views and beliefs.

Please hear me when i say that i don't think the way i was raised was wrong. My parents did a great job at a very difficult task.  They sacrificed a lot so that I could be raised in a safe environment with the least amount of temptations that might one day turn into addictions of control and disaster. They loved Jesus and showed us an authentic Faith.

In saying all that, I want it to be clear that i am thankful for my childhood and life. It was FAR from perfect but it was full of blessing and lessons that cultivated in me a person that loves others and cares and wants to give and do. However, now i have reached a place of disruption so to say.

As children, it is our parents responsibility to raise us and lead us in the way they feel is best. It is apart of our American freedom and for that i am thankful. That doesn't mean, however, that the day does not come where we as children grow up and become adults. It's a that moment in which we arrive at a place of decision. Do we believe the exact things our parents embedded in us, Or do some or all of those things change? For me, i am at that place...I am at a place where it is not okay with me to hold to an opinion, view, or faith because it's what i was taught. If i am going to live life and make choices, those choices have to be because i BELIEVE in them. Because they are true to me in my life.

This place I am at has raised a LOT of questions for me. It's aroused places in my mind that hold thoughts and ideas that I never knew existed for me. It's actually quiet a conflicting place to be. What you believe affects every choice you make. It affects the BIG moments and the little ones in life. To use the word important is an understatement in describing the power behind your beliefs.

I don't feel the need to elaborate on the areas of conflict and debate in my body, mind, heart, and soul right now...maybe one day...but not today, but i do think it is important to put out there the honesty of my life and where i am at. I am tired of sugar coated people living their sugar coated lives (when in reality we know everyone is fighting a war of some sorts within themselves). I am also tired of living a life where a lot of my decisions are made based on the attention and admiration i get from others.

While on this journey i have seen things through a different set of lenses...maybe that's just it...i am actually SEEING things for first time because i finally put on some lenses to correct my blurred vision.

 For example, I have realized that throughout my growing years I watched the people around me in my life excel in so many areas. Sports, academics, music, dance... though i tried my hand at many things I did not hold talent for any of them. I did not stand out...I did learn at an early age that i was really good at loving Jesus and being good. I was really good at understanding spiritual things and being mature in ways beyond my years. This was not bad in itself and i believe a lot of was genuine...however looking back and even up until just recently, I have seen how I was a kid that desired more than anything to be good at something and to succeed. To have the attention of others because i was talented...and THAT became my talent. Following the rules and going and doing things that most adults were not willing to do with their faith and beliefs. Since putting my hypothetical lenses on, i realize that i don't want to continue down that path. I want to go and do and make choices because what i believe is real in my life and because it's a choice i made...not my parents or family or friends. I don't want to live a life restricted by the opinions of others. And i don't want to push people out because they are not like me or see things the same as me...heck...right now i dont even know what i see.

The truth is letting people down is a requirement in life. It's something that must be done in order to live. It's necessary...people do not last forever and we can not solely depend on the support of others. The problem is, i have been so afraid of letting people down...i have been so afraid of failing at the one thing i was so good at,pleasing the people close to me, that i stopped seeking... i stopped learning...i stopped trying to understand who i was and what i am capable of because i limited myself to the mold those around me wanted me to fit in.

I can honestly say, this is the first time i can ever remember where i am thinking for myself. I am looking at life and the things that it consists of and making a personal decision on what i want and what's right. I haven't gotten very far yet and I am not sure of a lot of things...but what i do know is when my UBER ride gets me to my destination...i will know it is because i chose to go there and SOMEONE did not choose it for me....