I AM CAPABLE...

Homelessnes...hungry...cold...alone...weary...anxious...broken...uneducated...orphaned...

Brazil '09

These are all words that i know the meaning of but for most of them I don't know the actual life . I have not lived and experienced them...

I have never been homeless, a wanderer, not knowing where my head will lay when darkness approaches.

I have never been hungry, truly hungry not having a choice of my next meal or even knowing what it will consist of.

I have never been so cold knowing that it may never end. Knowing that there may never be warmth. Sure i have gone places and forgotten a jacket or not been properly clothed, but nothing without the expectation and knowledge that the moment will come when i am back in the warmth of my car, house, restaurant or wherever it may be.

Alone...now there have been moments where i have felt so alone...where i have felt that my place in the world did not exist and that I was the only one walking through the valley i was walking...however, even that word, i can't say i have truly ever been alone. I have people i know i can call whether they could fully be there for me or not. Literally just a phone call or drive away. Even in my darkest moments...i deep down have always known the feeling of company and others.

Brazil '09- the little boy who captured my <3

Weary...sure i have been tired but only the tired that knows that up ahead i will be able to lay my head down...i will be able to sleep...i will be able to recuperate and begin again refreshed and energized.

Anxious...I know anxiety...I use to deal with it much more than i do now but it's still the protected kind...it's the anxiety that there is enough stability and people in my life that if i was in desperate need there would be some sort of crutch...some sort of way to move through things...I was also raised in a home that taught me through faith there is a hope through our anxiety so even when i am most anxious i am still able to find some peace. I don't know the anxiety of being alone and unprotected...of not being able to meet daily needs or not being able to protect myself or others from the events life throws at us...

Brazil '10

Broken...I think we all experience brokenness...the degree differs from person to person but broken is broken. I have experienced brokenness and i have been hurt and wounded by others...but in my most broken state, I have access to the strength and choice that lies around me. The option to move forward and to be better. The option to fall into the arms of those around me and heal in time. The option to build the brokenness back up with love, security, protection, safety, laughter, and relationships surrounding me.

Uneducated...something i will never know personally. I was in school from 4K to college graduation. I was pushed and encouraged and given option. I excelled in school and was able to cultivate a life and future based on knowledge and ingenuity. (dont get me wrong...i still have my dumb dumb moments :-/ )

Orphaned...I have a family. I have a mom and dad, two brothers, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins...I have family that are not blood but are as close as if they were. I will never truly know what it physically means to be orphaned...because even if i lost my family...there are still people so close around that love me and would be there for me.

Lakeshore, Mississippi- Hurricane Katrina Relief '2006

The truth is...i have been given a WHOLE lot. More than i deserve and some i take for granted. I have lived a life of opportunity that in many ways had nothing to do with myself or my own endeavors. It had nothing to do with my choice to work hard or to make sacrifices for success. It had EVERYTHING to do with the people in my life making those choices for me in the beginning. Giving me a foundation which made it easier for me to choose those qualities for myself when I was of independent age to do so.

Mexico- '08

I look around and i see people in different places than i have ever been in...people holding signs on the side of the road begging...people walking the streets mumbling to themselves...people taking advantage of others just to fuel the demons and addictions in their life that in reality holds them captive in the hell they are in....i see all this around me...and honestly, i have judged, i do judge on occasion. I think about WHY don't you have a job and what did you have before you got yourself into this mess. It's true that their are people just like myself that had all they needed and instead of learning and appreciating and being good stewards, they threw it all away for a bad decision and a life consuming addiction...

Mexico- '08

However there are also people out there that didn't choose for themselves. They don't pick the parents that abandoned them for drugs and instability. They didn't pick the the school system that pushed them through because there was not enough extra to spend on every child that did not have a mom and dad at home to help with their homework and learning. They didn't choose the mental illness and anxiety that they developed at a young age due to the quickly revolving dysfunctional world around them. They didn't choose being hungry at the age of 12 because mom spent the money on alcohol and drugs. They didn't choose the rape and abuse of the continual revolving door of men or women their so called "protector" of a parent brought into their so called home or "safe haven". They didn't choose the death of the their grandparents before they were even through school...the grandparents that gave them the very little they had to help them make a different path for themselves. There are people that didn't choose and they end up reaching the age of choice and decision and because of those in their lives around them...they have no way of knowing how to make them.

(Inner City Charleston, SC)

(Inner City Charleston, SC)

My point in all this and lesson to no one else other than myself is this...I want to do for others more than I do for myself...I don't want to be everybody else that just passes by refusing to look on that which is uneasy for our eyes to take hold of.  I want to help someone fall to sleep at night in whatever environment and place that might be, knowing that someone does care and that they are worth knowing. I want to live knowing that i am NOT above reaching a  low place in life. I am just as CAPABLE of succumbing to a life of addiction...i am just as CAPABLE of pushing everyone in my life out...I AM CAPABLE of losing every blessing i have been given....I am CAPABLE not just of the good and success of life...but of the bad and failures as well.

If people say something of me when my life is over...i would want it to be that i had no fear. That i gave and went where others would not go. That i took time to truly invest and get to know the shadows of the world...the forgotten and alone. That means more to me than other successes and accomplishments...

This has gotten rather lengthy...and to show you the place of heart all this came from...

This is my friend. I know the picture is not clear. I did not want it to be. Yes i know this person. I know his story. I know what life he came from...how long the streets have been his home...i know what size clothes he wears and a few of the locations he feels somewhat safe enough to close his eyes throughout his long days. I know he has anxieties and stresses. I know he has been robbed and abused.  I know he has no family, i know that he has no education. I know he is younger than myself and someone my husband sat beside in his 10th grade class in high school.

 He has never asked us for anything...he has never once asked for money or food or clothes. In fact, in the beginning we  had to really push to get him to take food from us. I know he may not represent the majority of people on the streets in this day and country, but what he represents is a population of people that hesitate to trust...that truly don't understand and know love and relationship. That don't believe that there could ever be a different chapter in the book of life they are living. They don't know the power of choice or decision. They just know the pattern of following in the footsteps of the people that brought them into the world and were suppose to teach and show them the way. The pattern of those that failed them in so many ways... They just know THAT way...and i will fully agree with the saying that you can't teach an old dog NEW tricks...at least not without a lot of time, patience, effort, and failures. (just ask my husband who tried to learn to ride a bike at the age of 23...it's a concept that is not easy to grasp at this place in life.)

My heart breaks for my friend and those alone in the haunting of their past. My heart breaks for those that don't understand we were all created with the ability to make a change...and it may have to be reiterated and taught anew, but i believe that one of the biggest problems we face is people not being willing to be the teacher...to be the new example in a life that did not have one....Just some food for thought....I AM CAPABLE...of anything...what will i do with that?

**(side note/disclaimer: I have seen the many faces of poverty...from those here in my hometown to the ones in third world countries where living takes on a whole different meaning. I have gotten to know people who will tell you they are where they are at because of very poor decisions they made in their life and because their addictions mean more to them than their life and future. I have met innocent children that rummage through trash and drink water out of the cattle watering hole and thing that this is what everyone's life looks like. I have met teenage kids whose parents give them over to prostitution so that they can feed the rest of the kids and buy their alcohol and drugs. I have met elderly who were suddenly laid off of work in a city they can't afford to live in and all their savings went to medical bills and all their family is deceased or worse off than they. I have met the crooks that put on the appearance of poverty just to take advantage of people and government...i am not naive to the state people are in so please don't think i am one of naivety that will only be taken advantage of throughout life if i live a life of giving and sacrifice to others...)