And the Light Bulb is ON...My journey thus far

^"19 Do not quench the Spirit."- 1 Thessalonians 5:19

25 lb journey since August

So I was having a thought provoking moment and something that i had never thought about came to mind. I was thinking about my recent journey I have been on in my physical health life. I was thinking about how excited and charged I am living this new lifestyle and how it fuels into not just my physical being but my spiritual, mental, and emotional being. I have never been where i am at now in my life. And it's not that i am anywhere spectacular. But i have journeyed and i have made true progress. If you know me, you can see it. You can see it physically but you can also see it in my expressions, my choices, my energy level, my joy, and my walk with the Lord. If you do not know me then you will have to take my word for it. Anyway...before i begin to digress because i declare this post to not become a novel...

My eyes have truly been opened to how much clearer life becomes when we are taking care of ourselves. It dawned on me tonight...a thought i have never thought before. And no this is not in a commentary and i am not claiming this to be the literal meaning or context of the scripture, however i do believe that the Lord related specifically to what i am about to say. I thought tonight about the scripture that says do not stifle or quench or hinder the holy spirit, and i thought about how I have always related that to my thinking. I relate that to the little voice in my heart and head that says "Don't do that Bethany" or "Don't go there Bethany" or "This is a red flag" . I always relayed to living in lifestyles of sin and continuing to take action even when we know in our heart that the Holy Spirit is trying to warn us to flee. And this is what it is...but tonight another thought crossed my mind.

I thought about how much over the past 4 years, and technically i could say 5 years,  that I have stifled the Holy Spirit by neglecting the upkeep of it's dwelling place, my body. The Bible states that our body is a temple and it talks about how we should honor it, but we live in a society where honoring our body means doing what makes us feel good in the moment. It blows my mind to see how we take care of our cars yet neglect the very thing that makes having and driving a car possible...our self. I never realized before i started this journey how much i was hindering the Holy Spirit from working and doing in my life. I think back over the past 5 years and think about how i let myself physically get to a place where all i wanted to do was eat and sleep. And that is what i did most of the time. How much could i have been furthering the kingdom of God if my body physically felt well enough to go and do? I truly believe neglecting our temples is an example of how we stifle the Holy Spirit. At least i know it was true for my life. Because i was physically exhausted and out of shape, mentally and emotionally i was empty. I cant help but wonder how many relationship opportunities i failed at investing in due to the simple act of my neglecting my body and health.

1 Thessalonians goes on to say, " ²³ May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. ²⁴ The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it.". 

We live in a society full of pains, stresses, sicknesses, and death. So many things are becoming unavoidable these days as we watch the ones we love get sick physically or fall sick mentally and emotionally. I am not talking about controlling the plagues of life that sin and a fallen world has brought forth. I am talking about realizing that everyone can do something to better their physical health. Most people could truly benefit from changing the "fuel" they are putting in their "tanks". I say this because i KNOW it to be true. I was that person who got annoyed with the healthy people. I was that person who went to the gym 2 days a week just to hide on the treadmill in the far corner as i walked and watched bitterly at all the healthy people coming in and doing everything i "knew" i could never do. 
 
Now, i am the person who tries to make a choice daily to change and be better. I am no longer at the gym in the corner.I am trying to daily challenge myself and stay committed and faithful. I am setting goals and figuring out what it's going to take for me to accomplish them. I am no longer settling in my pit of disgust, despair, and defeat.

I have told people...i want to be healthy and able to get up and go if God calls. I want to be able to suffer ,if need be, for the sake of what i believe and know to be Truth. 

That was way more than i planned to say but to summarize:

1.) If we believe the Bible to be true, are we being double standard in what we preach? Are we highlighting the things that we dont struggle with and validating the problems we do, like our health and wellness?

2.) Do we truly realize the blessing and gift we have in waking up everyday with a functioning body that has the ability to go and do with minor limitations.

3.) Do we believe that when we bring on our own physical limitations due to our poor choices, we are limiting the Holy Spirit and what He wants and can accomplish through us?

4.) Do you want change and if so are you will to make sacrifices to get there?

I am still traveling this journey and hope to travel it until my body is made new and perfect one day when i meet my Savior. Until then, my prayer is that the Lord opens the door for me to use my story to encourage others and share with them the tools that help me daily to be the healthiest i believe i can be. 


If you want more specifics about the changes I have made message or comment. Also feel free to check out some amazing products that have been a huge blessing in my life. I would love to share more about them and how they are fueling me to be better.

Advocare.com/140835335

 ²⁴ Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. ²⁵ Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever."- I Corinthians 9:24-25

 

TBT---->College Bound Beauties #dgroup

 TO some of the best memories i have had in my life...

I can not believe that these ladies are in college now. Over the past 6 years, the dgroup and refined and molded into some of the most amazing, young, godly girls i know.

Dont get me wrong...i had my doubts at times...

But they pulled through. I think the greatest blessing was to be able to lead them 6th-12th grade, and a handful of them were there all 6 years of that.

Fall Retreats, Beach Camps, Impact weekends, cookouts, pool parties, wonderful food, crazy stories, tears shed, voices raised, laughter, hugs, smacks, counseling sessions....

 Every girl that has come through the d-group has blessed me or grown me in some way shape and form.

These girls walked with me through the darkest valleys my life has seen...they have been as much a support and testimony to me as i have them...maybe even more.







Sure...they annoyed the HECK out of me at times...and even made me mad as fire...

But the times of fun, joy, laughter, growth and comfort far outweigh any stresses over those years.

NO...they did not listen all the time

NO...they did not take our word for it sometime

NO... they did not cease to dwell in drama (they are girls ya know)

NO...they did not always respect us

 YES...they learned to trust

YES...they learned to talk to God

YES...they learned about GRACE

YES...they learned to share their Faith

YES...they learned to talk things out

YES...they learned to make wise choices

One of the greatest JOYS was to go on a mission trip with these girls to NYC. Something i hoped and prayed to do with them from the moment i committed to leading them.

If i had a dollar for every time we argued...i'd be rich

Mookie-Moo

Solo cups in 7th grade...TURNT UP!! no alcohol i promise

Delicious d-group dinners

One of the many dances they went to

And the solo cups are back!!

They are going to kill me for these...i believe 6th grade...maybe 7th

And then there was this girl...I am so thankful that the Lord brought Kayla into our group after the first year. Two are truly better than one and i know i could not have led them fully by myself. Kayla and i are like oil and water but it worked for us.

Let the fun times ROLL...Man i want some bread...

SO.... I am rounding third base with day 4 and will start again tomorrow with Day 5 of the Advocare 24 Day Challenge and let me tell ya... I sure am learning a lot. Since this is a monumental moment for me in the history of soon to be 24 years of life, i figured i would blog a little about it. I mean this is the first time i have really ever strived towards something like i am with this.

First things first. My purpose in doing this is because i want to be HEALTHY. I am soooo NOT healthy right now. In fact i am the most unhealthy i have ever been. I would love to shed a few pounds as i am also the heaviest i have ever been, however that is not my goal. My goal is to develop habits of clean eating and focus on making my body the best it can be so that i can enjoy life and fulfill the purpose i have here.

 Okay...REWIND...

to when i was going into my high school years. I was extremely obsessive about my weight. Like most young pre-teen and teenage girls, i had a diseased idea of what I saw when i looked in the mirror. I was never small enough or pretty enough. Though it was a huge struggle and life-controlling time in my life then, now i can not help but look back and somewhat laugh at the altered way i saw things.

Having control over my weight then became my identity. I would only take in 250 to 500 calories max a day and if i felt like i had over done it i would make myself throw up. I can remember my diet consisting of a spoon of peanut butter in the morning possibly another spoon that afternoon and then a McDonalds Parfait for dinner. I was all of a size 0-2 through my years of high school with no curve or shape. I was still never happy.

I really do not know a 100% what changed my way of thinking. I know that in 11th grade I made  decision to start eating more than one meal a day because my body and emotions were at their final straw and i know i was so tired of not being happy. Through lots of prayer and growth I gradually began to give up my lack of control on food.

Fast Forward....

SO without being rediculous and straight telling the world how much i weigh, lets just say if we were talking in years i would be about 5 decades older now! CRAZY i know! I can say that there are some days when i hate my body and catch myself thinking back to the highschool days and wishing i were that size again, however most of the time I am more logical. I honestly do not want to be a size 0 or 2 again. I do not really feel like that is a natural size for my body. I just want to be healthy. I want to have energy and strength. I want to be able to be active without limitations. I want to eat things that actually have positive benefits in my body. I just want to LIVE.

I must be honest... my decision to do Advocare was slightly impulsive. I agreed to buy and order before i had any idea how the program was set up. After i started researching it , i slightly panicked thinking -"There is no way in YOU KNOW WHERE that i can do this!!" It takes self-discipline and self-control...two things i lack so much of. But it's funny how much money can motivate you...Paying $180 for something gave me some incentive to figure out a plan and stick to it. I am currently ending day 4 and will be starting day 5 tomorrow. It's been REAL and it's been FUN but it sure has not been REAL FUN.

My body decided yesterday that it was going to throw a hissy-fit. I had a migraine like none either that even a dark room could not cure. I was soooo tired and my body ached from the 9 rounds workout i did the day before. But even through all that, i still felt a sense of GOODNESS. Maybe it is just in my head. Maybe it is just the fact that i know what i am putting in my body now is good and whole so i will have to reap positive benefits when it is all said and done. I can say i truly am waiting for results...but i also find myself learning so much about food and my thoughts on it through this.

I always saw food as pleasure. I ate what i wanted because i could. I at what i wanted because i like the taste. I have never eaten based on what God created for my body to thrive and be healthy and whole. I have never thought of food as an act of worship until now. If God has chosen to give me life and he has chosen to give me a most-of-the-time functioning body then what i am i doing to use that? Why would i not see it as a gift that i should cherish and take care of? I just recently got a new car and boy do i love it. I want to keep it perfect. I do not want dirt in it or food or anything. I drive it slow and carefully. I want to keep it as new for as long as possible. How is that any different than the way i should treat my body? Should i not want to put the best gas in my body and not fill it with dirt and crap, and change the oil regularly, and wash it and keep it fresh? I believe i should and unfortunately for the longest time i have not.  It's like the country song "She let herself gooooooooooooo..." <--(me singing it)....i  have definitely let myself go.

Don't get me wrong. I have not achieved anything yet. I would say that if anything my eyes have just been opened to recognize a goal and purpose and now i must do what i need to do to get there. With all that being said...a little about how i am doing with the challenge...

I started Friday, August8th. I have not had any sugars other than natural sugars in fruits, no caffeine other than what is in the spark mix it provides and only one of those a day, i have not had anything processed or fried, no creamy dressings or sauces, and no dairy. I would say i am doing pretty good with it. I have learned that over the past (soon to be) 24 years, i had NO IDEA what different foods truly tasted like, because i have been coating them with so much sauce and dressings.

 I learned that salad does indeed taste like grass to me. Fiber is like drinking Sand, it takes 8 oz of water to swallow a horse pill supplement, if there is no pain in exercising then you probably are not doing it right, just because everyone else in the room is eating my favorite cake- i can say no, i do have will-power and self- discipline is something that can be learned. Those are just a few among the many things i have gotten over the past few days...I am seeing progress weight wise but i do not want to share that right now. Mainly because the progress i want to see is not in numbers dropping but rather a lifestyle change. so when day 24 comes and i can say that i have continued the course and stood firm...then i will release progress in numbers...until then it is  a day to day battle...

woMAN vs Food (i love that show) :-)

The Day i Grew up...*Warning: LOTS OF PICTURES*

Five years ago today marks the day I would say I officially GREW UP. I think everyone could probably target a moment in their life when they were forced to open their eyes, face the reality before them, and recognize the facts... LIFE is far different than late night runs to sonic, sneaking out of the house with friends, and the greatest catastrophe in life being the punk that broke your heart into a billion pieces.

That life changing moment for me was 5 years ago. Some of you know this part of my life because you have heard me talk about it. Some of you know because you walked through it with me. But for those of you who don't.. i will share.

First let me start by posting a picture!

These were the days when we had nothing better to do but to put on our bathing suits, fill up the bath tub with rubber ducks and bubbles, and make a swimming safety/scuba-steve/Scuba-Wynona video which resulted in a whole lot of ridiculousness and a flooded bathroom. No we were not 5...more like 15!

And then there were those nights where we would get so bored we would do each others make up and dress each other up and take the most ridiculously fabulous pictures!

We can't leave out the family beach trips filled with cars almost getting hijacked, para-sailing till we were sick, running from sketchy drunk boys that wanted to take us home with them, paying $30 each to get an all day pass to an inflatable water slide that only 5 year olds were playing on, and extremely long drives home on back roads where Bethany starts to lose her mind and act a fool!

(Movie Dates)

Life was different then for me. It was what i considered stressful and painful but looking back now, in some of the most childish ways. I went through things that all kids and teenagers go through, but I still had my youth as some would say. I had fun, i laughed, i was impulsive and unpredictable. I had a faith that was unstoppable. I mean really, i knew what i believed and nothing or no one could take that from me. LIFE WAS GOOD!

College Fun/Trouble

Now, fast forward to today. August 9th, 2014 and ask me my opinion on LIFE. I can assure you it has changed in a lot of ways. My first opinion on Life if you ask me is that it is UNPREDICTABLE. You never know when there may not be a tomorrow for yourself or the ones you care for. I never know if the  argument i get in with my parents is going to be the last, or when the last text i ever get from brothers is going to come. (I HOPE IT NEVER DOES) but unfortunately i know that is not realistic.

I would also tell you that LIFE is precious. As a believer in Christ i have learned (even though i do not always act on it) that when God gives you a door of opportunity to share His Grace and Love with someone, you should never question it but just do it. Tomorrow is not promised. I would tell you that Life is tough. Life is a battle daily to find peace and joy in a world that is falling apart.

Beach Camp 2006

Don't get me wrong. I am so thankful that God has chosen to give me LIFE! I am so thankful everyday when i can wake up and do life again. Life is a blessing and I enjoy being a part of it. But over the years, I have experienced pain and struggles and i have realized that without the Hope of Christ, I personally would not have anything to live for.  I am thankful that i truly believe the purpose of my Life is to live with the HOPE of Christ. Yes i screw up and i am the farthest thing from perfect, but in my pain and guilt i am always brought back and reminded of the Joy in God's grace and love.

Sweet 16!!!!

With all that being said, five years ago today i lost one of the closest people to me. I lost my very best friend. I had never experienced unexpected close death before like i did that day and i can honestly say it rocked my life. It shook the foundations of  my FAITH and JOY that i had built my life on. I would be lying if i said  it did not make me doubt, in moments, God's love for me and others close to her. I would be lying if i did not say that the moment i got the call I vaguely remember sitting in the floor screaming at God as i ripped out the pages in my bible, that just days before i had highlighted.

 Erica's death was a huge game-changer for me. It awakened me to pain that i had never felt nor imagined someone could feel and keep living. A pain that was internal. A pain that i felt others could not get or understand. (although now i know that is not true) I found myself at a place where i would lay awake at night and look at my phone, waiting to get a call about someone close to me dying, waiting for the next thing to come crumbling down on me. I experienced the pain that when any life changing or dramatic thing would happen to me, i would pick up my phone and go to text Erica and remember that she was not on the other end anymore.

LONG College Nights

The LAKE

June 2009

August 9th, 2009 is the day that i grew up. 5 years later and where am i at with it all? Well, i can say that to this day, Erica's death has been the most painful and hardest death for me to deal with. I can say that i am a silent griever. I have learned things about myself over the years that I never knew before. I learned don't like attention from tragedy and fight myself a lot with when its actually okay to express certain things in my life and heart and when i just need to keep it to myself. I can say i see life more realistically now, and sometimes that causes me to be super negative. This is something i am not happy with and know i need work on. I can say that i have learned that grieving death never gets easier per-say, but it does change form over time.

I still grieve today. In fact i grieve quiet often still. For example, i grieved when I started dating my husband and could not talk to Erica about it. I grieved when he proposed and I was not able to call her. I grieved when i graduated college and she was not there, i grieve when i have to pack a bag for a trip and she is not there to help (anyone who knows me knows i HATE packing). I grieved when I bought a house and thought about her never being apart of that. I grieved when i walked down the aisle and I knew that her spot would be empty, and i grieve today thinking back on those dress up nights, beach trips, school dances, broken hearts, sneaking out of the house, and so many other memories that I hold tight to but know that the majority of others will never know that relationship in my life.

Though i still grieve...it has changed its form. I use to grieve in anger and frustration. Now i grieve in Hope and Joy. I still hurt but i can thank the Lord for the fact that I KNOW one day i will see Erica again. I hurt selfishly because to me that was a relationship in my life that ended before i had a say in it, but i rejoice in the fact that Erica is in the best place anyone could ever be. She is in eternity with her Heavenly Father awaiting for the day we all meet again.

My hairdresser

That season in my life is a season of death and resurrection. I can honestly say that I made an intimate connection with the verse in Phil.3 that says:

 "¹⁰ I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, ¹¹ and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead."

Senior Prom 2008

My Conclusion on Life is this:

Life is not good but my God is. Life is not fair but my God is. Life is painful but my God is healing. Life is broken but my God is restoration. Life is short but my God is eternal. Life is a battle but my God is Victory. I could go on and on and on but this is already so long half of you probably stopped reading. I have not blogged in a while but i have a lot on my mind. If you read this and you do not know me that well, you just got a little glimpse of a deep part of my life and heart...  


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I am so blessed to have the relationship with Erica's parents that i do. That will always have a special place in my life and will always be a little piece of Erica that i still have here on earth!

When God says Move...

The plan and prodding of the Lord never ceases to amaze me. When we are living in the moment, it is hard to see or even have an idea of the future that lies ahead. Sometimes, we feel the Spirit within us prodding and urging us to do something. Something that does NOT make sense. Something that is so far out of our comfort zone. Something that totally messes up the plan we had already set out and made. I have been thinking about one of these time for me in my life. It all started about 2 years ago.

I was so blessed to be able to do an internship through college with an organization that worked with people who had no medical coverage. I was able to do medical, social needs, alcohol and drug, and mental health assessments for the many people that past through the agency. I loved working with those in need. Deciding to get my degree in Social Work was never a question for me . It was always something that felt right and natural, so this job was exactly what i had signed up for. OR so i thought. I always told myself that social work was just a way for me to get a more thorough education in an area that God had already called me to do as a Christian and Follower of Christ. I mean my very anti-religion anti-god professor himself would state countless times throughout my college classes that Jesus Christ was the ultimate definition of a Social Worker.

I did a 6 month internship with the organization and my last day there i was told to put in an application because a job had been created just so they could hire me on. I was super excited about this open door opportunity. I had already marked my plan. I would work there and go back to school and get my Masters and then have an open door into the hospital that the organization was under. (i must have temporarily forgotten that i have white coat syndrome and going into a hospital makes me sick) I had good benefits and worked with some really awesome ladies. I was also given the opportunity to  be apart of an organization that was just beginning to really spread wings and grow. Needless to say it was a great place to be.

About 4 months in I really started to lose my confidence in that being the right place for me. Something just did not feel right. I found myself leaving work daily with the most empty and hopeless feeling. I had grown to be miserable which had me questioning a lot. Was I not right for Social Work? Had i totally picked the wrong career and college path? So many things ran through my mind. After giving myself time to really think and process my feelings of discontent, i realized what my feelings always came back to. I was helping people daily. I was helping them enroll in an organization that was providing them free doctor care. I was setting them up with housing, shelters, alcohol and drug rehab, mental health rehab. I was sending them home with toiletries and home products. I was helping them get their medications for free and jobs. I was doing all this good stuff....however the one thing i was not doing nor was i allowed to do was give them Jesus. Every client that i spoke with, i would ask " Are you apart of a religious group or church"? And i would get all kinds of responses. Some people were and other were not. Some people would tell me they were jehovas witness, buddhist, atheist, wiccan, and on and on and on . And then after documenting these answers i had to move on to the next. Because of all the laws and regulations that go into hospitals and organizations, I was not allowed to share my faith. If someone asked me i could but I could not just bring it up and share with them. I got to the point where i realized that I was just not okay with providing a temporary fix to these peoples problems when i held the key to the permanent fix, a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

I fought with this for a while. I had never just up and quit a job, especially without another job lined up. I prayed and prayed for specific answers and i prayed for God to open my eyes to the right time to leave. I had taken a week off for our annual beach camp trip and i took along a book i was randomly reading at the time. I got the book in the mail for free and just happened to start reading it. It was called Revolution in World Missions by K.P. Yohannan. It was crazy because one morning in my time with the Lord i was led to read some in my book and the part i read spoke specifically to the fact that as a believer, if we meet the needs of others physically without touching their spiritual needs then we are leaving them worse off than when they came to us. It could not get any clearer. Needless to say, the day after i got back and went to work, i spoke with my boss and explained a little bit of my heart with her and put my two week notice in. I had no idea what was in store for me but i knew there was something.

College Times Pre Employment :-)

With all that being said, I will fast forward to 2 weeks ago. I currently work at the local college i graduated from as an Admissions Representative. I help recruit students and grow the college. My husband recently felt the Lord leading him this past year to start a Christian Ministry on campus called Momentum. It was awesome to see the turn out and the relationships he was able to develop and grow. Two weeks ago we had a cookout at our house for the students who had not left yet to go home for the summer. It was an awesome time to cut up and fellowship. At about 9 pm everyone started to clear out, however 3 students did not. Long story short, God opened many doors that night in allowing my husband and I to share our testimonies as well as the Gospel and God's Grace. I can not explain to you everything other than the fact that i am 110% certain that GOD had ordained that moment in time
before it ever happened. It had been so long since i had shared my faith so bluntly and it felt so good. My heart felt alive. I was so grateful for that moment for so many different reasons. The students did not leave until after 1am.

Today as i sat in church something triggered my heart. I am not sure what but it was like i heard the Lord saying you are helping others physically and spiritually. He reminded me of my past job and the turmoil i felt in my heart as well as the deep conviction and he allowed me to see the confirmation in that feeling his leading me to where i am now. I have taken for granted having the freedom to share the Love and Jesus with others and until you are in a place where you cant share your heart and faith, the challenge to do so is not as strong. I must say that i do not do all that i can in sharing my Faith in my job, but i can say that when i pray for the Lord to help me and open doors of opportunity, he will do so. Today i have been thanking God for placing me where He wanted me rather than where i thought i was suppose to be.

(Sorry for any grammatical errors but i hate proof reading :-( )

I am Learning...

1.) If Christ can show us Grace throughout all the messes we make, we can show others grace through their messes

2.) It's great to depend on others but it is not good to forget that people will let us down. Sometimes we need to accept the task ahead and accomplish it to the best of our ability, remembering that peoples downfalls is a partial result of human nature.

3.) Say thank you. No matter how small the task say Thank you. You never know when someone is feeling unappreciated.

4.) Seasons change and so do relationships....and that is okay. The Lord allows people to come in and go out for a reason. Even if we do not understand that, we can trust that He knows the reason and the purpose.

5.) Tolerance has become so Intolerant.

6.) Cold sores, pimples, and IBS are indeed stress induced.

7.) Forgiveness is relieving. It truly lightens the weight of the heart and soul.

8.) Worrying about things you have no control over is suffocating. There is a reason the Bible says to not worry. Life becomes so much happier when we relinquish that worry because we have NO control.

9.) Your attitude affects every person around you. Your lack of communication can come off as you being snotty, bitter, or rude.

10.) Give without expecting anything in return and when you do receive something count it a blessing, not an earned or deserved wage.

11.) Be productive. The time will come when you wish you would have done something that you no longer have the opportunity to do.

12.) Food has become a comfort. I eat twice as much when I am stressed.

13.) Guard your tongue. Words can not be erased. You can forgive, but you will always remember the words being forgiven.

14.) Be quiet. Sometimes your opinion is better left to yourself. Yes it may be right, however some arguments are better left alone. Ultimately truth will remain truth weather expressed or not.

15.) Invest in a planner. Some things should not be missed or forgotten.

16.) It's 10:48pm and I should be in bed....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

The Cost of Freedom...

Last weekend I went with my fiancé to see Lone Survivor. I was so excited when I saw the first previews for it. I have always been an action movie kind of girl, however military action is my favorite and true stories ice the cake! (Mark Wahlberg may have been a small plus too) Another thing I like to do is avoid the trailer. A preview is fine but I kind of like to have NO clue what the movie is really about. I knew that Lone Survivor was about a failed mission of one of our Seal teams and it was a true story but that was it.

We get into the movie and I am loving it in the beginning. I leaned over to Josh and told him I had a feeling I would be crying a lot through out it. The movie gets going, and does not take too long to get to the climax in my opinion. And then it happens...everything goes wrong. I have never watched a movie where for almost 3/4ths of it I spent with my hand over my mouth gasping or on the sides of my cheek repeating "oh my gosh oh my gosh". My nerves were shot. My stomach was starting to churn and I had a killer headache. Of course there were the tears also. The language did not bother me nor did the gore. What bothered me was the reality of it. The cold hard reality that Freedom has a cost. No matter what freedom we are talking about, it cost someone something.

I have always loved military movies and when I was younger I use to say I was going to be in the army. Needless to say I never walked down that road for multiple reasons, however have always had the utmost respect and love for the people who have and are joining and serving daily. When I see a soldier in uniform I always get cold chills and try to offer a thank you for their service. This movie however, awakened something different in me. Something that NO other movie has. I could feel in my heart and soul the cost of freedom. It sounds weird but for a split second I felt I was seeing through the eyes of the wife, mother, and children that lost their fathers.  Or the Afghan people who sacrificed their lives and safety to protect an American due to a moral promise they made thousands of years earlier. Freedom has a cost.

I came home that night and sat down and basically cried for almost 45mins. ( sounds weird I know) I did not cry because I was moved or touched, I cried because I hurt in the deepest parts of my being for the people that have sacrificed their marriage day, their children's birthday, giving their daughter away, their parents 50th wedding anniversary, their sons first football game, their daughters first dance, their wife's diagnosis with cancer...and the list goes on. I hurt for the men who gave up all that for me. Gave it up so that I could own my home, go to work where I choose, have a full education, worship freely and proclaim my faith, sleep easy at night, and again the list goes on. I would not have any of that if our country were ran under the same context of countries like Afghanistan, Sudan, and many others. I also realized that were it not for these men and women fighting for my freedom, volunteering their rights and life, then it would become a service of force. A service where my father and brothers were forced to serve based off the need rather than the desire. I have taken for granted Freedom. I have taken for granted what that really means. I am so glad that I went and saw that movie. I do not think I could watch it more than once though but think it was so very eye opening for me.

On a another note...I recently got back from a Mission Trip to NYC with my 12th grade Discipleship Group girls. While I was there I was able to separate myself from my daily routine and give my mind time to think about spiritual things. It seemed oddly enough come back around to freedom. Sunday morning we attended Times Square Church in which I hear one of the most powerful soul grasping sermons I have heard in a long time. One of the songs sang said "where the spirit of the Lord is, there is Freedom". That freedom word just kept creeping into my mind. It made me think about Freedom and how freedom relatively means death of something. I mean if you think about it, for their to be freedom something has to die. Some aspect of control or being has to die. For women to have the freedom to vote, a past idea had to be put to death. To have the freedom we have in our country means other men and women have had to give their life. For the freedom our country carries their had to be death during the revolutionary war. Freedom is ultimately a product of a death of some form. Especially spiritually.

"For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom."- 2 Corinthians 3:17 

"I will walk in freedom,for I have devoted myself to your commandments." Psalm 119:45 (NLT)

The freedom I have spiritually comes ultimately from the freedom expressed through Christ's death on the Christ. When Christ relinquished His spirit and died an earthly death, he granted a freedom to all people who believe, from all the evil and wrong they have ever or will ever do. For freedom to exist there has to be something of captivity and that for us is sin and death. I was held captive by my wrong doings and the future of eternal death, however thanks to the blood of Christ I have been given the ultimate freedom. Part of it, I experience now on earth. Everyday I am blessed to walk with God through faith. Every crappy situation that I have encountered, I have the freedom to experience it with a joy and hope because my Savior makes all things new. My life is not easy and has not been easy. I am not perfect or close to it. However, I live with knowingness of Grace and Mercy every day. I experience this freedom here.

Today I attended a funeral of a wonderful man who served and worked and loved. A man who was so well-respected and loved the Lord. I was reminded today that the ultimate freedom is through our death. One day, I will die (as we all will) and I believe with all that is in me, that I will become more alive on that day than i have ever been. That because of Christ's death i will be made new in Him and will be alive and well for all eternity with him and all other believers. This is freedom for me. One of my favorite verses is the following:

Philippians 3:10-11 

^"I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, ¹¹ and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead."

 

This is Freedom in it's fullest and it came with a cost.

Self-Sacrifice and the Quesadilla Burger

It's funny what the Lord likes to point out to us through out the day.  I will admit, I probably only recognize maybe one-third of the things, however one lesson is better than none.

Tonight, my fiancé and I were trying to decided where to go eat. Josh will usually not have a preference where as I can be pretty opinionated (especially when it comes to food). Tonight was different though. I did not have a preference and he did. Between our local Mexican restaurant and Applebee's, he chose the later on impulse. We order at Applebee's and eagerly await our food. Finally, after what felt like FOREVER (probably 15mins) they brought out our meals. I picked up my yummy Ham, Turkey, Bacon, Cheese heated sandwich up and right before my bite...I notice mayonnaise! YUCK...I hate mayo. I went and grabbed a menu because I knew that surely it was not suppose to be on it, however sure enough I had overlooked it on the menu and indeed it did come one it. The waitress came back and I asked for some more bread, but at that point I realized there was mayo on both sides and it was touching more than just the bread. Disheartened, I told the waitress it was fine and I would deal with it since I did not ask for it  to not be on there and it was my mistake. As she walked off, it took Josh all of 5 seconds to not only offer but insist on me taking his Quesadilla burger (that he was really craving and looking forward too) and he would take my sandwich.

That my friends, is self-sacrifice. Yes it was a small act, and ultimately did not affect either one of our lives, however it was a self less act in which he chose to put me before him and his own wants. As I am approaching marriage (62 days in counting) I am realizing how much self-sacrifice goes into a healthy happy holy marriage. Marriage should reflect Christ and the church and Christ gave the greatest form and gift of self-sacrifice there can ever be by his death on the cross. We are called to daily die to ourselves and put the needs of others above our own. I am so excited about marriage. I am excited that I am marrying someone who pours Christ love on me daily. I would be lying if I did not say I was a bit nervous as well. Not nervous about who I am marrying or the timing but nervous about my lackings and weaknesses as a wife and help-meet. I am nervous about being the best for Josh and our marriage and failing as a wife and help-meet. I know I will fall-short and that is what I am nervous about. I am so blessed that God has given me a guy who has qualities like self-sacrifice that the Lord can use to show me what I need more of . I am blessed and excited and can not wait to say I do! Also...thanks to Josh, I am full and will sleep well tonight thanks to his self-sacrifice and the Quesadilla Burger! :-)

(ps...I do not proofread. Sorry for grammatical errors :-))